The Agent Across the Table Is Not Your Enemy

Leslie Don Wilson

Oct 3

6 min read

Picture yourself on your front porch, opening a bill you didn't expect. Now picture yourself yelling at the mail carrier who handed it to you.

Ridiculous, right? The mail carrier didn't set the amount. They didn't write the statement. They just delivered it.

Yet agents do the real estate version of this every day. A listing agent gets an offer $30,000 under list and treats it like a personal attack on their pricing. A buyer's agent gets a firm counter and starts calling the listing agent "delusional" or "impossible." In both cases, we've confused advocacy with reactivity, and our clients pay for it.

If you want a career that's profitable, sustainable, and a lot less stressful, it comes down to three sentences:

You don't own the house. You're not writing the check. And the other agent isn't your enemy.

Let's take them one at a time.

1. You don't own the house

One of the fastest roads to burnout is over-identifying with a listing, a price, or an offer. It's easy to do. You ran the CMA. You coordinated the staging. You wrote the description. So when a lowball offer lands, it feels like a verdict on your work.

It isn't. The buyer didn't submit that offer to grade your CMA. They submitted it to test the seller's motivation and see what the market will bear. That's all.

Your clients hired you to be their buffer: the calm professional who filters out emotion, weighs the facts, and guides them toward their goals. The moment you get angry at the other agent, that buffer disappears and your client's deal now has two emotional parties instead of one.

Remember who's actually making the calls. The listing agent didn't set that high counter; the seller did. The buyer's agent didn't dream up the $10,000 credit request; the buyer asked for it. The agent on the other side is doing exactly what you'd do: carrying their client's instructions to the table.

Don't shoot the messenger. You're one too.

2. You're not writing the check

Your client is the one paying, selling, or signing. That means they decide what to ask for, what to accept, and when they're happy. Two habits get in the way of that.

Habit one: treating an ask like an insult

Buyers ask for the riding mower. Sellers counter high. Someone requests full closing cost help. To an unprepared agent, these sound ridiculous. In business, they're just asks. If you don't ask, you don't get, and the other side knows it.

The same goes for "no." A "no" isn't a conflict; it's data. It tells you where the other party's baseline sits today, and it's usually the start of a negotiation, not the end of a relationship.

When a request truly is out of bounds, answer it with a boundary, not a snap. Compare these:

Emotional: "My sellers are offended. We won't even dignify this with a counter."
Professional: "Thanks for the offer. It's below where my sellers are positioned based on recent comps. I'll present it with their options to accept, counter, or reject, and get back to you with their decision."

The second version protects your client, keeps the door open, and costs you nothing.

Habit two: stealing your client's satisfaction

Say an offer comes in slightly under list, but it checks every box: strong financing, quick close, few contingencies. An ego-driven agent says, "Don't take it yet. I can squeeze another $15,000 out of them."

Here's what that can cost:

Risk. You've injected uncertainty into a clean deal. If the buyer walks, your client loses a solid offer.
Joy. If the seller was quietly thrilled because this offer let them relocate on time, you just made them feel like they're leaving money on the table, even if they accept it.
Credibility. If your aggressive counter fails, you've set an expectation you couldn't meet.

When an offer arrives, your job is simple:

Present it clearly: price, terms, timeline, contingencies.
Lay out the options: accept, counter, or reject.
Explain the risks and benefits of each, objectively.
Step back and let your client decide.

If your client looks at an offer you think is low and says, "Honestly, this works for us," let them be happy. Their goals come first, not your pride and not your commission.

3. The other agent isn't your enemy

You and the agent across the table share the same goal: bringing two parties together on a contract that closes. When both agents stay calm, deals close faster, clients stay happier, and you build a reputation other agents want to work with. In a business built on co-op relationships, that reputation is money.

Here's what shifting from fight mode to bridge-building sounds like in the moments that usually spark conflict:

When this happens	Instead of saying	Try saying
You get a lowball offer	"Your buyers are wasting our time."	"Thanks for the offer. It's well below our comps, but I'll present it and let you know if my sellers counter or hold firm."
Your offer is flatly rejected	"Your seller is delusional about this market."	"Understood. Sounds like our valuations are apart. If your sellers' position changes, or you'd like to review recent comps, let me know."
You get a high counter after inspection	"You guys aren't being reasonable at all."	"Got the counter. My buyers have a firm ceiling based on repair estimates. Let me review options with them and look for a middle ground."
A client asks for something outside your role	"Why would I do that? That's ridiculous."	"That falls outside our licensed scope and insurance coverage. Here are two trusted vendors who handle exactly that."

Notice what every professional response does: it acknowledges the message, states the position with facts, and leaves a path forward. None of it requires you to like the offer.

Before you react: 8 questions to ask yourself

Knowing all this is one thing. Remembering it when a frustrating counter hits your inbox at 9 p.m. is another. Before you pick up the phone or hit reply, run through these questions. They take less than a minute, and they're the difference between responding and reacting.

Am I reacting to the message or the messenger? The other agent is carrying their client's position. Would I feel the same way if this came straight from the buyer or seller?
Who actually made this decision? Was it really the other agent, or their client?
Is this about my client's goals or my ego? Am I upset because this hurts my client, or because it feels like a judgment of my work?
What is this telling me? Set the emotion aside and treat it as data. What does it reveal about the other side's motivation, limits, or timeline?
What does my client actually want here? Not what I would want, and not what would make me look like a great negotiator, but what they've told me matters most.
Do I need to respond right this second? Most situations allow time to cool off within the response deadline. A calm reply in an hour beats an angry one in a minute.
Would I be comfortable if my client, my broker, or a judge read my reply? If not, rewrite it.
Will I want to work with this agent again? In most markets, the answer is yes. Respond like it.

If you can answer these honestly and still feel the need to push back, go ahead. You'll be doing it with a clear head, for the right reasons, and that's exactly what advocacy looks like.

Detached doesn't mean indifferent

Emotional detachment doesn't mean you don't care. It means you care enough about your client to keep your own emotions from interfering with their goals.

The agent who stays calm sees the offer for what it is: information. They read what it says about the other side's position, respond strategically, and keep the deal alive. The agent who takes it personally burns time, goodwill, and sometimes the deal itself.

So the next time an offer, counter, or request gets under your skin, take a breath and remember:

You don't own the house. You're not writing the check. And the other agent isn't your enemy.

Real estate isn't a combat sport. It's a professional facilitation service, and the agents who treat it that way close more deals with a lot less stress.